God's 16th Century Social Media Marketer
Michelangelo has been credited as one of history's greatest artists. I can see where people get confused as most of his work is in fact beautiful and quite artistic. But the fact is Michelangelo might not have been an artist at all. Having visited the Sistine Chapel it appears to me that Michelangelo was, in fact, a 16th century social media marketing manager, for God.
I don't know that God actually used that term when He offered Michelangelo the position, but it is entirely possible. God doesn't really experience time the way we do. For God time is kind of like watching Pulp Fiction or reading Catch 22 -- it's just kind of random. God was like, "Hey Mike, looking for a social media guru. You interested?"
Michelangelo stops carving and looks up -- even though there wasn't literally anyone there to look at. "A whatsit?"
"Come on. You know Mikey. Someone to put info out there on line to make people want to go to Heaven. Want to be nicer so they can meet me cause I'm actually pretty totally tubular . . . Oh yeah, no Instagram yet. Sorry. Forgot what year you were living in. So basically I just want you to do some paintings and sculptures and stuff that show how incredible the spiritual realm looks. And I think your my guy. Oh, and you will be painting a ceiling in a chapel one day. Feel free to use as much nudity as you like. I like making religious people uncomfortable."
So Michelangelo signs on and the next thing you know he is doing marketing for God. Painting scenes that make you want to go to Heaven. Carving sculptures that make you want to meet God. The Sistine Chapel ceiling is absolutely a commercial for Heaven. When it was completed people were all excitedly talking about the new trailer for Heaven being out. When you see the Sistine Chapel for the first time it bears no resemblance to looking at art. It is beautiful and alive. The figures and scenes depicted are too powerful to be composed of mere paint and plaster. Without doubt God was directly involved and highly concerned about the number of likes that this particular Earthly post was going to muster.
Mankind has been perfecting the art of rudeness for a long time and you can find an expert master rudeness virtuoso anywhere you go. Still, there are certain locales where the training shows up in abundance and stands out amongst the population. Rome is one such place. Throughout the majority of Italy I found the people to be friendly and helpful, which made the Roman reception all the more unexpected.
Not that I don't understand the source of their irritation. I know if I lived in Rome and had been accosted by my 50th idiot tourist on my morning commute to give directions to the Leaning Tower of Pisa, I would not engage in the most hospitable manner either. If, on the other hand, I worked at the information desk in the Vatican Museum, I might at least feign civility when asked for help finding the Sistine Chapel. In fact, if I worked anywhere within Vatican City questions regarding sites of the Vatican would seem a routine and expected part of the job.
Unfortunately, the concept of "Help" or "Information" desk in terms of actual help and information has not yet made it to Rome. Therefore, I have composed a short list of tips should you find yourself in Rome and desiring to see the work of Michelangelo created in such soul inspiring beauty that it will make the next two months of chiropractor visits for your neck therapy from staring at them totally worth it.
Tip #1: The Sistine Chapel is in the Vatican Museum - Musei Vaticani. Or it was as of a couple of months ago. I cannot guarantee they don't move it from time to time in an attempt to confuse would be viewers. You will be told something different by every person you speak to, but don't be swayed. Continue on to the museum regardless of any assurances otherwise.
Tip #2: The moment you get off the subway, step out of any vehicle, or get beamed in from any futuristic space craft within a five mile radius of the Vatican you be swallowed up by hordes of thousands of different people, each of whom will assure you they are the only person capable of getting you to your destination, for a small fee. Going with any of them gives you a 50/50 chance of reaching your destination or finding yourself slaughtered like a pig in a dark alley.
Tip#3: The Sistine Chapel is not reachable through the main entrance into Vatican City or St Peter's Basilica. I am not certain of this, as I was told yes, no, and a surprising number of variations in between for a yes/no question. For the sake of not ending up slaughtered like a pig, we will go with no.
Tip #4: You will be in the Sistine Chapel long before you are in the Sistine Chapel. The church building containing the art of Michelangelo is in the Vatican Museum - which is incredible - but asking questions about the Sistine Chapel within the Sistine Chapel is an exercise in futility which makes the risk of being slaughtered like a pig seem surprisingly inviting. Just keep walking. The artifacts and Papal bling along the way is historically and aesthetically amazing in its own right and the ceilings will occasionally make you wonder if you are looking at Michelangelo's work on the way through. Until you actually reach the Sistine Chapel and feel foolish for having thought that.
Tip #5: St Peter's Basilica and the Sistine Chapel are negative images of one another. St Peter's is the center of worship for all that is pope. The wealth of money spent on the ornate glitz of St Peter's could have prevented the starvation deaths of every single person throughout history. I am not saying that the basilica fails to impress. It is beautiful and memorable, but standing under the gigantic tributes to popes past will make you feel far closer to Bill Gates than to God. I do wish to point out that I have nothing negative to say about the current pope, who will likely support my views as soon as he reads this.
Tip #6: Not so much a tip as a warning. DO NOT TAKE PICTURES IN THE SISTINE CHAPEL! Unfortunately, you won't be forced to eat your camera or phone if you do. Although I prayed with religious fervor for security to do just that to someone to make an example of them. Also, I put that in the suggestion box on the way out, so it could have been adopted as regular practice by now.
Tip#7: Go! No matter how irritating the journey or how frustrating the search, keep going. Standing under the Sistine Chapel you can experience that excitement that God felt when He thought, "I think I will give humans a little prequel or glimpse into what Heaven will be like. Or maybe God simply thought, "The world needs more excessive splendor." Michelangelo's greatest work is certainly that. For me, the experience exceeded all expectation. Even if I did have to go through Rome to get there.