Camping - An Evil Den Of Lies

  Why do people camp?  I'm going to give the benefit of the doubt here and assume it is more than a result of lack of intelligence and in-breeding.  Though clearly those are contributing factors.  Logic would dictate that camping occurs only out of necessity and unfortunate circumstances, however, I have witnessed first hand the inexplicable claims by otherwise sane people to enjoy the vacation atrocity known as camping.  Unfortunately, this has never occurred while the individual is hooked up to an EEG or during brain surgery or we could finally pinpoint the affected area of the brain and perhaps develop a cure.
   For those of you unfamiliar with the concept, camping means spending prized vacation time atoning for sins by giving up everything in life capable of providing pleasure and covering oneself with every manner of filth, insect bites, and indignity.  I know not whether camping sins are specific transgressions for which people are atoning or more general penance for vague feelings of year long wickedness. It could, for some, even represent an attempt at capital punishment. After all, as far as wolves are concerned, you're presence in the forest simply means, "Hey, somebody ordered take-out."
   The biggest proponents of the idea of camping as a holiday tend to be country red neck people.  Why?  You are basically camping every day.  At least if you live in civilization I could almost see falling for the idea of camping for the novelty of it.  But for country folk, how is this a vacation?  Good news kids, we found an even smaller, dirtier place than our home with even fewer amenities or things to do to spend a week for vacation.  Of course, camping essentially is little more than homeless practice. So I suppose if your job has made the list of endangered occupations (ie: any job requiring the use of hands) camping might be just the thing to prepare the kids for the future.
   Many lies permeate the camping as fun myth. The majority of campers exist as victims of centuries of brainwashing passed down through kinship and tribal traditions. The fact that the act of camping truly serves as a form of self flagellation ritual for our souls is now buried under generations of these clever lies.
   Camping is inexpensive:  I have been in REI. This claim mocks the very fabric of a world governed by the laws of physics. I know people who have spent five thousand dollars on camping equipment for a single trip who argue that it is cheaper than spending three thousand dollars on a trip overseas. Of course, this inability to comprehend the fundamentals of basic math fits the profile of people so adept at buying into camping lies.
   Camping is relaxing:  This may represent, not only the most misguided camping lie, but the most flagrant lie of any kind ever perpetrated upon mankind about anything. Camping is relaxing in the same way working on a chain gang is relaxing. After spending eight hours hiking around searching for the mythical, but non-existent, perfect site and two more hours pitching the tent, collecting firewood, lighting a fire, and having large quantities of life giving hemoglobin sucked unceremoniously from your already weakened body by a menagerie of disease infested insects you find yourself so exhausted and in pain it becomes possible to convince yourself that sleeping in a damp sleeping bag on rocks is relaxing. At least the chain gang get to return to their cell and get a cot.
   And really the prison cell is safer than camping. I promise you that during any night spent sleeping in a tent there will come a point where you would feel a sense of security were your sleeping bag surrounded by metal bars as opposed to a paper thin layer of nylon. Tents actually perform the opposite effect of the one they were designed for. While completely inadequate at keeping anything out - precipitation, insects, wild animals, escaped convicts with severe mother issues - they somehow transform into a black hole from which nothing escapes when you attempt to exit. The greater the emergency from which you need to get out of the tent the more formidable they are at prevention of freedom.
   Actually, prison has a number of advantages over camping. Food, for instance, is better, safer, and free. I know lots of people claim they love to cook while camping and even love to eat it. These people are either delusional or lying. I know this because these are the same people who extoll the virtues of camping, so we have already established their insanity. The fact remains, eating food made up by more than 30% detritus out of a tin cup that has been in a backpack wrapped in your dirty underwear while straining your eyes to make out your food through the dark and smoke should not sound more appetizing than enjoying a savory crepe off fine china along the Seine River in view of Notre Dame.
   There is a perfectly logical reason that campfire ash is not found in a spice rack - it doesn't enhance the flavor of food. Other camping inspired spices and condiments not utilized by the rest of the world include bug repellent glaze and a variety of insect and invertebrate parts. Segment of worm and carapace of June bug, if they are jarred anywhere at all, are only used in recipes in which the outcome desires to alter the natural world through dark magic, not to add zest to your eggplant parmesan.
   As for safety, sure, you can burn your hand if you grab your bowl of gruel too quickly, but when was the last time you heard of someone falling into the oven and setting themself on fire? I am certain many people have died in prison as a result of mealtime, from food poisoning to a spleen perforated by a knife made out of a keg of soap. Nevertheless, food related deaths in the wild typically end with someone finding what is left of you after all the good bits have been enjoyed by nature.
   Prison sex, while not exactly at the top of most people's concept of romance, still sounds preferable to camping. A lot of guys think that getting a girl to go camping with them means they are going to score. Because obviously, what woman could resist the allure of having a smelly, filth-encrusted man on top of them while they are laying on a tree root. Plus the danger aspect of a bear perhaps walking in on you makes sex far more exciting. For me personally, if foreplay involves using a flashlight to check for parasites the mood has been compromised.
   So guys, just keep in mind that your sexual fantasies may not exactly mirror hers. And if, disturbingly, you happen to find a girl who shares this idea of romance she could probably gut and skin you while you sleep.
   I have even known people that claim to be "good at camping." As if camping represents some inherent talent bestowed upon them by the almighty. Saying you're good at camping is akin to bragging about possessing a knack for wearing shoes.
   You aren't blessed with a gift for camping excellence. Perhaps you have acquired more knowledge of camping through experience. Not impressed. This means you have stubbornly refused to learn the true lesson of camping. The wisdom of bringing steel wool with you to start a campfire was not the lesson. Previous struggles starting fires with soggy fuel should have taught you something, but not that. The following nugget of knowledge contains everything you should have learned. Don't punish yourself by going camping. Following this one simply tip will ​